Pregnancy

People say that pregnancy has it's ups and downs, it's highs and lows...essentially a roller coaster. I beg to differ. To me, it is more like a train wreck. Now I really don't want to sound like I am complaining, because that's really not it. I have had a pretty dang good pregnancy. I should be counting my lucky stars for how good I feel in comparison to some women. BUT I just don't feel joyous and wonderful like so many say. Pregnancy...joyful?...happiest time of your life...? That's a crap chute if you ask me. Anyone that has given birth before probably just laughs at me, like you poor naive soul you have no idea what's to come....anyone who hasn't been pregnant before or is behind me, you are probably like I used to be. I really think that a lot of women use pregnancy as an excuse. You know, I'm pregnant so I can demand any kind of food I want, kind of thing....I still don't have cravings, but it's not all an excuse!!! Some of it really happens!

I may not have had much morning sickness, but the pregnancy gods have prevailed and I have heartburn that is unbelievable! Before I even knew I was pregnant I started having it. Now it has reached an all time HIGH. If it's not waking up in the middle of the night to pee 50 times, I'm being woken up by a burning sensation that makes me want to puke.

Peeing is another story in itself. I was the queen of "holding it" but that has completely been thrown out the window. I used to be so annoyed that I couldn't just go before bed and then when I got up. How much I wish I could return to the two times in the night. Now I go so often I really am going practically in my sleep. What is more annoying than the now 50 pees a night and another 50 a day, is the incredible urges to go. When I have to go, I have to go NOW. So I hurriedly excuse myself at work only to run to the potty to have barely anything tinkle out. I think Brody just needs a break from school and kids as much as mommy does sometimes so he uses her bladder as a trampoline.

Breathing is starting to become difficult. Mostly it's at night. I have already had issues with this because of my "endowed" chest, but now that there is a tummy that seems to be filling up as well...there's a whole new meaning to suffocating! I cannot believe it.

It doesn't just end with the physical stuff. Mentally you are so not the same! I really don't think that being pregnant is a reason to have incredible mood swings and to be a totally different person, but there are times when I wonder where my former sane self went. Last week I had a little scare. The little man in my belly hadn't moved all day. That isn't like him. He never stops. I definitley started to panic, but I was okay, until I said something to a couple co-workers. Talk about turning on the water works! I finally felt him after much prodding, juice drinking, and lying on my left side (they supposedly get better oxygen when you lay on that side), but that didn't end the weepiness! No matter what, the rest of the day I just felt the tears dammed up behind my eyeballs waiting to spill over at any moment. The next day wasn't much better. I honestly got so pissed I could have physically strangled a co-worker of mine with my own hands! I had to remove myself from the situation, and FAST. I don't think they even know they made me so mad, but I was. I made myself stand straight against the wall in the hallway and breathe deeply and take long sips of water. Talk about losing control! I'm normally not that way. I get over it, but not that day!

Like I said, this is not complaints, this is disbelief. I have always been like, "I will never be like that...." Hahaha. How wrong I was on many levels. I really think part of the reason it's so hard for me is because I'm normally Miss Independent. I figure things out on my own. I like to take my own path. Pregnancy's path has lots of twists and turns. You don't really get to chose which path you take, it's chosen for you. If I wasn't so independent I don't think I would dislike pregnancy. You see, I am fiercely clinging to my former non-pregnant mind and body. The sad thing is, I can't. Why do I even try? I thought I would wear my own clothes for as long as I could, but I caved. I bought maternity clothes. Just like you don't get an award for not getting an epidural (which I WILL have), you don't get a medal for going 8 months before buying maternity pants. Truthfully, if I could just go with the flow a little bit more, I would maybe enjoy it a ton more. I finally bought some shirts, and I can BREATHE!!!! Why the hell do I cling so hard? I am pregnant. I want to be pregnant. The fact of the matter is, I am changing...I just need to learn to DEAL! I go home exhausted at night only to realize I am exhausted from trying to "suck it in". Ummmm, hello? I'm pregnant...there's no such thing as sucking it in anymore!

Truly I think I have hit insanity at this point. I think I hold it all together fairly well, until I start to let my mind wander and you get a blog like this one! The thoughts I have perplex me and wear me out, and I wonder what state of mind I will have in a few months. It gets crazier everyday.

Wait....I may need to go stand against a wall and breathe again....

Really though, does it make you a bad person if you don't LIKE being pregnant? I want to be pregnant. I can't wait for the end product, but like I have said before...there is no glowing here. It's more like Eeyore with the cloud overhead. Not all miserable really, but not like "so wonderful" like some people claim it is.